Thinking about growing up

I think it's about time that I blogged again. I've been thinking a lot today about when I was young and growing up with my 7 brothers and sisters on a farm near Gilbertville. I LOVED the farm. It was my salvation from everything that I wasn't comfortable with.

When I was 3 years old I fell off of the porch onto the cement and broke off my 2 front teeth. If that wasn't bad enough I had to have what was left of those 2 teeth pulled out by our dentist who for some reason didn't give me any anesthetic. I developed quite the lisp after that which I had until sometime in 2nd grade or so. I was terribly shy already and this made me more so. I never wanted to answer questions in school so the teachers thought I wasn't very bright. They sent me to a reading recovery teacher who was supposed to teach me to read. Imagine her surprise when I could read and comprehend perfectly. She continued to work with me anyway to boost my self-confidence. The lisp went away but when I actually started to offer answers in class the stuttering started. I was just so nervous that whenever I had to actually say more than one or two words I stuttered horribly. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly a social butterfly. I did manage to make some really good friends who didn't care about my faults and accepted me for who I was. (Thanks Karen. You were and are the best!) I didn't exactly love school but I was a pretty good student. I had to study my butt off for the good grades I got but I thought everyone did. Studying was difficult for me. I couldn't stay focused for very long on what I was supposed to be studying and often times would have to cram the night before for a huge test even though I'd try to study the material weeks in advance. Try doing that when your mind stays focused on one subject for about a minute and a half. Now, of course, I realize that I was struggling with ADD. I still do. I can't even sit and read for more than 10 or maybe 15 minutes at a time or I have to go back and re-read everything because my mind jumps from one thought to another to another even though I try not to let it.

High school wasn't half bad. I loved my teachers. They seemed to understand my struggle to succeed and the math teachers would often spend extra time trying to get my mind to comprehend what they were teaching me. English/Language Arts was super, super easy for me (not sentence structure but the creative writing and journalism part of it.) I thrived with the written word. It was my thing. I also loved being in plays and chorus. I never stuttered on stage. I was comfortable there. It wasn't me. I was the character I was playing. I was also quite a talented singer. I even sang solos quite often. I loved it.

Fast forward to radiology school. I was still quite shy which isn't exactly a good thing when you have to deal with doctors and patients everyday. I never had a problem with the patients. I really liked interacting with them. I always managed to make them feel at ease. I was also one of the best at putting in IV's and would quite often be asked to do the pediatric and geriatric patients. I never missed.

It took me awhile but I finally became comfortable interacting with 3 of the 4 radiologists I had to work with on a daily basis. One of them however made me SO nervous that I would stutter severely whenever I had to work with him. That kind of sucked. :)

I never quite fit in with my co-workers from the X-Ray department but I didn't really care because my main job was doing CT scans and the people in that department were awesome!

Fast forward to my life now. I know I skipped a lot of years but the stuttering eventually subsided for the most part except when I get really nervous and I found a job where I feel comfortable and needed. I am not the introvert I once was. Yes, I am still on the quiet side compared to a lot of people, but I LOVE my job and the kids I work with and my co-workers. I can be myself and not be judged because the kids kind of like my silliness and the fact that I treat them with respect and they know that I love them. I am also very, very good at what I do. I am not trying to brag. I am just stating a fact. People often tell me that it takes a special kind of person to do what I do. I don't know if this is true. I think it's the special kids at the school I work with who deserve the credit. They inspire me each and every day to do my best and be the best person I can be.

A Difficult Couple of Months

Once in awhile things just seem to spiral out of control. I think it all started when we had to let Pepper go. That was difficult. A few days after that I started to have ear problems again then Em got a stomach virus and ear infection again. She missed 2 days of school which is difficult for her because she panics when she can't get her school work done when it's due.
I ended up getting a tube put in my left ear which was supposed to help the pain and the hearing loss. Well, the pain is better most of the time but the hearing loss is actually worse.
Then Mom's health started to decline. I guess I knew this day was coming but nothing can prepare a person for losing someone they love so very dearly. I spent as much time as I could with her for the 3 weeks before she passed away. I took Em to school early just so I could be with Mom before I went to work each morning. I'd go to work and then pick Em up from school, get her to wherever she needed to be or get her settled working on her homework and then head back up to the nursing home to spend a few more hours with her each night. Sometimes I'd get home before 10:00 and sometimes it would be midnight or later. I just didn't want to leave her. The next day I'd do the same thing. Sometimes my kids would come with me if I didn't stay too late at night. I loved spending time with my mom. At the same time, I felt guilty for not being home with Em. I know she understands why I needed to be with my mom but she still felt a little bit lost and scared. The night Mom passed away was both a blessing and one of the most difficult nights in my life. I was so happy for her. She was finally going to be with my dad and would be pain free and whole again. But, at the same time, I knew that I would never see her again in this earthly life. It took forever for my heart to begin healing after losing my dad suddenly nearly 4 years ago. I hate having to go through this again. I miss my mom so much. She has been my best friend as well as my mom ever since I can remember. She was a gentle, loving, non-judgmental angel. She was my angel. I don't know how many people knew this but my mom loved angels. She passed that love along to me. She also passed along her passion for being a mom. She was THE BEST mom. If I am half the mom that she was then I'll be happy. Mom, I know that you and Dad are happy being together again. I just miss you both. Sending my love to heaven.

A Very Difficult Day

This morning was an especially difficult morning for the girls and me. We had to take our dog, Pepper, to the vet to have him put to sleep. We've had Pep for nearly 17 years. Besides the fact that he had become deaf in recent years, he also had doggie dementia. Up until the moment he left us he was still smiling at us and giving us lots of love. I know that when some dogs get old they get cranky and unfriendly. Not Pepper. He was still as loving and spirited as he was when he was a puppy. Everyone that ever knew him loved him. I kid you not. That was how special he was. He LOVED everyone! He even loved our cats. :) I am going to miss him laying at the foot of my bed at night and keeping me warm. Every once in awhile he'd sneak up and lay right by me if it was storming. He was my companion when I couldn't sleep at night. I would sometimes get frustrated when he would follow me all over the house and he did that all the time. I've tripped over him more than once when I didn't realize he was under-foot. I know that he followed me because he just wanted to be close to me. He was my little sweetheart. Good-bye buddy. I love you.

Sometimes it just gets to me.

The past 2 days have been a little difficult. Em's tic disorder has been very pronounced and nearly constant in the evenings. I try to get her to concentrate on other things or stay busy because sometimes that helps. It hasn't been helping. I feel like such a bad mom but it really, really grinds on my nerves some days and today is one of those days. I know that most of the time it is involuntary and can't be helped but I still scold her sometimes. I even told her that if she didn't try to control it tonight she had to go upstairs where I didn't have to hear it. Right now she is watching a movie which may or may not help a bit. It is very unpredictable. This happens a couple times a year and usually lasts about 2 weeks or so then it gets better again. I am just afraid that if the kids at school hear this high pitched squeaking, they'll make fun of her. I know her true friends won't. They know about it. Will her new friends understand why she makes these noises? I just don't know.

So far, so good. :)

Em has been in school for a week and a half now and she loves it! If you've read my previous posts you know how nervous I was about her going to Junior High. She hasn't made many new friends yet but she is reconnecting with some "old" ones and that makes me feel so happy for her. She is trying her best to make the kids that feel a little left out a part of things, at least at lunch. She invites them to sit with her and her friends at lunch and tries to include them in the conversations.

She has come to realize that Junior High comes with a lot less social time during the day and a lot more homework at night. :) She doesn't seem to mind though.

I've been seeing less and less of her on the weekends and I miss her being here but I am so glad that she has such nice friends to spend time with.

Before school started she told me that she didn't want to do any school sports. Just today she mentioned to me that she thinks she'd like to try basketball. :) I told her she'd have to be at practice at 6:30 in the morning but she didn't seem to mind. This poses a bit of a problem with the medication she takes for her ADHD. The pill she takes in the morning lasts for about 8 hours or so which means there is no way it will last the whole school day. Not good. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think she'll have to wait to play basketball until next year when practices and games will be after school. She has also showed an interest in track and that is after school so that just might be it for this year. It may not be fair but sometimes life isn't fair and she realizes this.

More to come as the year goes on. :)

Nervous Momma

As the school year approaches, I get more nervous by the day. It just seems like everything is topsy-turvy and no one knows where they'll be or what's going on. I've never been anxious or felt quite so unsettled before. I've worked at River Hills for 6 years already so you would think I wouldn't feel this way. From what I have heard many of the rooms employees are going to be shuffled around this year. What I don't understand is why? If things are going well in a classroom and things run like clockwork why would anyone want to shake that up? Don't get me wrong. I'll go wherever I'm needed. That has always been my attitude. I just feel like where I belong is where I've been for the past 6 years. The other associate in the room last year isn't going to be able to come back because of personal reasons so hopefully I can stay put. I will miss her very, very much but her family comes first and I understand that. I just hope they let me stay where I've been so it won't put too much stress on the teacher I work with. We are supposed to be able to go room to room and know just what to do but that isn't realistic. Every room does things differently or in a different order so it can be difficult to adjust to things. I've done it before when I floated for awhile but it wasn't easy. Enough about me. I'll be fine no matter where I'm assigned. I think a lot of my stress is due to Em's moving on to junior high more than it is about my job so....

Em's turn. Talk about nervous! She'll be at Holmes Jr. High in about a week and a half. I talked to her about the fact that it will be a lot different than elementary school and that there will be a lot more kids. And lets face it, they won't all be nice kids. She's has had her share of other girls being nasty to her and so far she has managed to ignore it for the most part. I'm just worried that things will escalate this year because there are so many more kids and they are older and their hormones are pretty much starting to go crazy at this age. Go figure...

Classes. They will be a lot harder too. Em is a very intelligent girl. I think she'll do alright for the most part. Homework will be a challenge though. She had a little bit of trouble keeping up with it for awhile last year about mid-year. Things turned around though and she ended up with really awesome grades. I guess I'll just have to stay on her about it like I did last year. If she really wants to go to Yale or Princeton (she dreams big :)) then she'll have to continue to do as well as she has.

Fitting in. Here's a biggie. Em is definitely her own person. She isn't interested in athletics which is OK. She's a dancer and dancing IS a sport no matter what people say. I just kind of wish she'd give volleyball a try just for the fun of it. She plans on doing anything and everything they have which involves music or theatre but there isn't a lot offered at this level in her education. She thinks chess club sounds fun but I don't even know if they have one. I talked to her about joining a math club but she's not too sure about that.

I know she'll be fine. I have to believe she'll be fine. Right?

Some things they just don't tell you.

I've come to the conclusion that there are some things doctors neglect to tell you when your child is on meds. for ADHD. I've learned the hard way that when the dose is decreased or your child is taken off the meds. that the side affects are not so much fun.

Em has been on her regular dose of the extended release med. as usual with a supplemental smaller dose to be given as needed later in the day if she has a dance class or something else going on that night. Well, she has been taking the supplemental dose everyday for most of the summer due to her theatre class. Yesterday and the day before were the first time for 2 days in a row that she hasn't had that 2nd dose. Needless to say, last night was the night from hell. She was so out of control that she couldn't calm herself down. She was moody, shaky, impulsive beyond her normal impulsive self, and downright crazy. This happened one other time over a year ago when her doctor wanted to see what would happen if we took her off her meds. for awhile too. The same thing happened only it was about 3 times worse. Thank goodness I had some of her meds. left over. She was off of them for a total of 3 days and was having panic attacks and was completely out of control. She cried for hours and begged to go back on her meds. She almost became violent which is NOT Emma. With the doctors consent I started her back on them. At least this time it was only her supplemental med. that I had her stop taking.

Today she is nice and calm so I know the "withdrawal" phase is over. I hate having her on meds. I really do. But, I know that if she doesn't take them she feels overwhelmed and can't get things done. She can't concentrate on one thing for more than a few minutes and is constantly on the move.

I can't even imagine how it feels to have your mind so out of control that nothing makes sense and you can't stop yourself from moving, moving, moving. She's tried to describe it to me but there really aren't words to describe it.

Em's level of ADHD is very significant. Put it this way--there are yes and no questions that you have to mark off about your child when they are first diagnosed. I had to answer yes to all of them but one. Yup. That's my girl. Her doctor has only seen a few other kids with this degree of ADHD.

No one really knows why ADHD has so many levels or what even causes it. They do know that it runs in families.

Em is going to have quite a few challenges ahead of her for a lot of years yet. Will it get better? Maybe. Will she eventually be able to go off of her meds. when she is older? Possibly. One can only hope. At least she doesn't see it as a disability. She sees it as a gift. It makes her more creative and intuitive which is cool.

She starts a new school in a few weeks. I hope they are as attune to her needs as her elementary school was. They had a sound system for her severe hearing loss which Holmes doesn't have so hopefully they will provide one so she can continue to do well.

I hope she continues to have her "can do" attitude. I truly believe that is why she does so well and doesn't let anything stand in her way. :)